happiness is just outside my window.

so close, yet so far away. it's that feeling of being in the desert, you think you see water ahead and as you near it, it dissapears and you're a fool for not realizing that all along it was an illusion. there are some things you think you want all your life. then you have them and you don't know what to do with them. you're parched, you down a liter of soda and you're left no less thirsty than before you took your first sip. there are some things you work so hard for and get back so little. there are some things you want so much to believe, to devote yourself to, but there's always something holding you back, and sometimes you're so unsure of yourself that you question whether it's rational to believe them at all.

and then there are some things you learn to enjoy while they're here, but you don't let yourself become too attached because you know they aren't around to stay. yeah, it's fear that holds you back, but it's a healthy kind because to let go of this fear is to put yourself at risk for feelings you don't want to know again. you don't depend on certain things because, chances are, when you need them they aren't there. if you let any one thing or any single person be your escape, your reassurance, your hope, it can only let you down because you've put it up so high. and you're denying yourself of the ability to figure yourself out. you have to do it yourself before you can let anybody else try. you don't plan your life around the availibility of what you think is going to make you happy. and you don't plan unforgettable moments. they just happen.

some things we don't talk about.

first off, (this is not really related to the rest of this post) don't underestimate The Fray, even if you aren't a fan of hearing them on the radio 27 times in one day. they were one of my favorite bands around 8th grade, and i knew every song off the album How to Save a Life. i was less than impressed with their new album at first, mainly because their latest hit song is not all that great and its way overplayed. and then last night i saw them live at riverport, and they are pretty incredible live. i realized that their newest album doesn't measure up to the first, but it definitely is not bad at all. so if you think all their songs sound the same, give them another listen because they don't. also, i thought they did a nice cover of Kanye's Heartless. you should probably go buy that now, because it rocks.

going to bed early is one thing i don't seem to have the ability to do. i often tell myself it's gonna happen but it never does.

but i'm in a weird place, and i can't really describe it. but if i had to sum it up in a word, it would be fear. or maybe confusion. i'm starting to question what i want and at the same time i'm wondering why i question things that i'm happy with, things i've worked hard for and prayed for. and i'm thinking about how far away i am from getting away from this. my future, or at least any real significance of it, is still an eternity away.

i don't know what i want yet. i know aspects of what i want, little bits and pieces, insignificant things, but i can't fit them all together in one big picture. there's too much i want to do before i settle for comfort. two weeks of doing my own thing made me realize how good it is for me. not just good, necessary. and how can i give my best to anyone if i don't know how i feel, what i want, or if i can be reliable at all? how can i commit to anything so early, when there's still so much i don't know and so much of my life in front of me?

when relationships don't work out, people always reassure you with, "you're too good for them." but what if they are too good for you? what if you're afraid of yourself, because you know you have the potential of hurting the ones you care about most? does that mean you should shut yourself off? if you have your own shit to deal with, why bring it on somebody who doesn't deserve it?

so you end up with all these secret fears that never make their way out of your head, because you're afraid to do anything about them. you're afraid of change and of messing up something good (actually, the only sense of stability you have in your life). you're happy and comfortable and you hate to imagine where you'd be if you let them surface.

and its worse when all this stuff in your head you can't put into words. like, even if your lips said what your head told them to, fear and insecurity would hold you back from even attempting. sometimes all you can do is ramble about it in a blog that most likely no one will read and hope that you can at least make sense of it yourself. so, what do you do when you've been through it all before, on the other side, and now you see yourself doing it to somebody else and you don't know how to stop yourself?

i am the only thing holding me back from what i've always wanted.

but please, don't give up on me just yet.

Some things we don't talk about

rather do without and just hold the smile

falling in and out of love

ashamed and proud of, together all the while

you can never say never

while we don't know when

but time and time again

younger now than we were before

don't let me go

don't let me go

don't let me go

picture you're the queen of everything

far as the eye can see under your command

i will be your guardian when all is crumbling

i'll steady your hand

you can never say never

while we don't know when

but time and time again

younger now than we were before

don't let me go

don't let me go

don't let me go

we're pulling apart and coming together again and agan

we're growing apart but we pull it together

pull it together again

don't let me go

don't let me go

don't let me go

don't let me go

-the fray