happiness is just outside my window.

so close, yet so far away. it's that feeling of being in the desert, you think you see water ahead and as you near it, it dissapears and you're a fool for not realizing that all along it was an illusion. there are some things you think you want all your life. then you have them and you don't know what to do with them. you're parched, you down a liter of soda and you're left no less thirsty than before you took your first sip. there are some things you work so hard for and get back so little. there are some things you want so much to believe, to devote yourself to, but there's always something holding you back, and sometimes you're so unsure of yourself that you question whether it's rational to believe them at all.

and then there are some things you learn to enjoy while they're here, but you don't let yourself become too attached because you know they aren't around to stay. yeah, it's fear that holds you back, but it's a healthy kind because to let go of this fear is to put yourself at risk for feelings you don't want to know again. you don't depend on certain things because, chances are, when you need them they aren't there. if you let any one thing or any single person be your escape, your reassurance, your hope, it can only let you down because you've put it up so high. and you're denying yourself of the ability to figure yourself out. you have to do it yourself before you can let anybody else try. you don't plan your life around the availibility of what you think is going to make you happy. and you don't plan unforgettable moments. they just happen.

some things we don't talk about.

first off, (this is not really related to the rest of this post) don't underestimate The Fray, even if you aren't a fan of hearing them on the radio 27 times in one day. they were one of my favorite bands around 8th grade, and i knew every song off the album How to Save a Life. i was less than impressed with their new album at first, mainly because their latest hit song is not all that great and its way overplayed. and then last night i saw them live at riverport, and they are pretty incredible live. i realized that their newest album doesn't measure up to the first, but it definitely is not bad at all. so if you think all their songs sound the same, give them another listen because they don't. also, i thought they did a nice cover of Kanye's Heartless. you should probably go buy that now, because it rocks.

going to bed early is one thing i don't seem to have the ability to do. i often tell myself it's gonna happen but it never does.

but i'm in a weird place, and i can't really describe it. but if i had to sum it up in a word, it would be fear. or maybe confusion. i'm starting to question what i want and at the same time i'm wondering why i question things that i'm happy with, things i've worked hard for and prayed for. and i'm thinking about how far away i am from getting away from this. my future, or at least any real significance of it, is still an eternity away.

i don't know what i want yet. i know aspects of what i want, little bits and pieces, insignificant things, but i can't fit them all together in one big picture. there's too much i want to do before i settle for comfort. two weeks of doing my own thing made me realize how good it is for me. not just good, necessary. and how can i give my best to anyone if i don't know how i feel, what i want, or if i can be reliable at all? how can i commit to anything so early, when there's still so much i don't know and so much of my life in front of me?

when relationships don't work out, people always reassure you with, "you're too good for them." but what if they are too good for you? what if you're afraid of yourself, because you know you have the potential of hurting the ones you care about most? does that mean you should shut yourself off? if you have your own shit to deal with, why bring it on somebody who doesn't deserve it?

so you end up with all these secret fears that never make their way out of your head, because you're afraid to do anything about them. you're afraid of change and of messing up something good (actually, the only sense of stability you have in your life). you're happy and comfortable and you hate to imagine where you'd be if you let them surface.

and its worse when all this stuff in your head you can't put into words. like, even if your lips said what your head told them to, fear and insecurity would hold you back from even attempting. sometimes all you can do is ramble about it in a blog that most likely no one will read and hope that you can at least make sense of it yourself. so, what do you do when you've been through it all before, on the other side, and now you see yourself doing it to somebody else and you don't know how to stop yourself?

i am the only thing holding me back from what i've always wanted.

but please, don't give up on me just yet.

Some things we don't talk about

rather do without and just hold the smile

falling in and out of love

ashamed and proud of, together all the while

you can never say never

while we don't know when

but time and time again

younger now than we were before

don't let me go

don't let me go

don't let me go

picture you're the queen of everything

far as the eye can see under your command

i will be your guardian when all is crumbling

i'll steady your hand

you can never say never

while we don't know when

but time and time again

younger now than we were before

don't let me go

don't let me go

don't let me go

we're pulling apart and coming together again and agan

we're growing apart but we pull it together

pull it together again

don't let me go

don't let me go

don't let me go

don't let me go

-the fray

one month to epic

i'm so psyched to see this live. one month. if you don't have tickets yet, get them. and if you don't have respect for coldplay, you can leave now.
if you aren't patient enough to watch the whole thing, just watch the awesomeness that starts at about 4 minutes into the song.

the blog of complaints regarding missouri (which should be pronounced misery)

above is an image of exactly where i'd like to be right now.

i hate humidity. it makes even taking out the trash or walking into target an unpleasant experience. so just imagine running. even at 7am, sweat is dripping down my forehead and into my eyes after about five minutes, and i'm pretty sure by the end of my run it's already 90 degrees in the shade. when i get in the pool to teach morning swim lessons the water feels like a bath. i wake up this morning to my clock radio, with the dj saying that the 'excessive heat advisory' that was suppposed to last through today has been extended until saturday. nothing makes you wanna get up and run less than that.

if you've ever done something pretty much every day of your life and then you are suddenly forced to stop (in my case, this is a reference to sports injuries), it just sucks. and when you start getting back into it again, it's less appealing than you might expect. for me, i enjoy running, and i couldn't wait until my foot healed enough for me to do it again. but seems to drag on forever if st louis suddenly decides to act like the amazon the moment you're ready to run again.

finding decent headphones to wear while working out should not be a difficult task. it's deceptively frustrating. and money-wasting. so, if by chance you are ever on a bus and somebody steps on the headphones that came with your iPod, don't even think about settling for some colorful $15 earbuds from target. i can promise you now that you will be dissapointed. and you can't trust those expensive ones that are supposedly 'workout-proof.' chances are, they won't fit your ears, or they'll fall out when you start sweating, lose sound in one ear after 2 weeks, or get that annoying patchy sound that resembles a cd skipping. today i got excited when i found a pair that seemed to fit my ears well. i was all ready to enjoy my run with a good soundtrack to distract me from the humidity. but those earbuds ended up being chucked into the woods when they got that patchy sound. my delimma remains unresolved.

today a friend told me about her trip to germany. not only is the drinking age 16 there, but everyone walks everywhere and no one has to spend all their money on gas, people eat a lot and are thin because they bike or walk rather than drive, cops have better things to do than wait around for somebody to exceed the speed limit by 5 mph, and humidity is basically nonexistent. i think every day i get a little less fond of st louis. now i'm really hoping a trip to europe is somewhere soon in my future.

numero uno. yay

well i've been meaning to start one of these for a long time. problem is, i don't usually write anything unless there's something burning in my mind that needs to be expressed somewhere. tonight there isn't really, but i need something to do.

i was with an old friend earlier today, and we were talking about how much things have changed for each of us. when we remembered where we were a year ago and compared it to where we are now, we were shocked. it's crazy how much goes down in one year. but then, i'm only sixteen. i can't even begin to imagine how much things will change by the time i graduate high school, or by the time i'm in college, trying to figure out what the heck i want to do with my life. while driving to the mall (so many good conversations happen while driving), we talked about change and about boundaries, about how much more we are now open to than we were even a year ago. and i found myself saying things i didn't even know i thought.

seems like i'm always in conflict with myself. when people talk about having a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, i think that's a really accurate description of me. i tell myself i'm gonna do one thing and then i do the exact opposite, and i don't think anything of it. i always want the best of both worlds: working hard, striving towards goals, and at the same time having fun, being carefree, enjoying where i'm at. and i change depending on who i'm with. it disgusts me.

when i don't have positive influences in my life, will i start comprimising my beliefs? it's so easy to do that it scares me. maybe it's paranoia, due to recent realizations that many people aren't who i thought they were. but maybe that's a good thing, maybe it keeps me farther from falling into those traps. and it makes me question myself: am i what i am because there are people in my life, convincing me of what i should be, or is it of my own decision?