contradictions

I'm beginning to think maybe there's two of me, considering how I can never make up my mind on how I feel or what I should think.

Like half of me wants to be her own person, live by what she feels rather than what others say, never let anyone else tell her what to do. And the other half just wants everyone to be happy with her--friends, family, even people she barely knows.

One half craves fun, freedom, individuality, experimentation. nothing to weigh her down, hold her back, or make her think too much.
The other longs to satisfy deep philosophical questions, to experience unconditional love and share it with those around her, and to trust her Creator, the one whom she knows exists, but can't seem to face with her doubts and troubles.

I'm a free spirit and I'm a people-pleaser.
I'm lazy and I'm a hard worker.
I want God to be pleased with me and accept me, yet I long for the freedom to do what I want, without being held back by anybody telling me what I can and cannot do.
I want to love and be loved, yet I keep my distance so that no one can break me down.
I'm confident. Except for when I'm self-conscious.
I'm critical and I'm sensitive to the judgements others make of me.

The list of quirks in my personality that don't make sense could stretch for miles.

so what do I want? what do I believe? what's most important to me, right here, right now?
will I regret jumping outside what's comfortable and secure and starting over?
or will I be glad that I've made changes and that I'm moving on and becoming someone new?
will I still have the same goals next year, or will I start all over when I leave home?
five years in the future, will I be happy with the decisions I made today?


If I could confidently answer any of those questions, this post wouldn't exist. so please don't ask me, because you're sure to get a blank stare and a whole lot of stuttering.

one thing that's for sure:
It'll take me some time to figure out who I am.

pressure

These next blog entries are are series of possibilities for a school project. Not all will necessarily be in the final project. The reason I'm putting writing that I do for school here is because it is extremely personal. These aren't just assignments; they are a part of who I am.

The pressure’s rising, rising, rising

And finally I can’t take it anymore.

Too much buildup, too much stress,

Too much for too long and I explode.

I want to hurl something heavy,

Shatter something fragile,

Set fire to something delicate.

I’m losing my composure.

My ugliest, nastiest parts surface and take control—

I don't even know who I am anymore.

What I'm saying isn't me.

Some spiteful being has taken over my body,

Spitting out the worst insults it can cook up.

I make my way through hallways in which I don’t belong,

My senses heightened: the fluorescent lights are brighter,

The crowds are denser, the conversations noisier.

I want out, and I want out now.

Can I just run, run far away

Until my feet can carry me no further,

Until my body gives in, until all traces of rage have perspired out of me?

They don’t care, no one cares,

I’m drowning, suffocating in a whirlwind of apathy.

If I leave now on one will ever know—

who knows if they’ll remember me,

If I’ve done anything worthy of memory so far in this empty life.

I’ve tried to express myself;

I’ve screamed at the top of my lungs and no one even looked up.

My cries are silent, unnoticed, forgotten.

Until I explode.

Everything ugly that I’ve harbored inside of me spills out for all to see.

And all it takes is one moment for everything to change.

Because everything affects everything.

You can’t just decide what parts of a person’s life you impact;

Every little thing you do or say,

It’s remembered by someone.

why do the things i hate come so naturally?

I hear something out there callin' my name.
No matter where I turn it all looks the same.
I never sleep at night, I just stay up and wait.
But the burning in my blood never came.

Will I know it?
Will I know it?
Will I know it when I see it?
Will I know it?
Will I know it?
Will I know it when you're here?

I need you now, I need you more than ever before, before.
I need you now, I need you more than ever before, before.

I know the man I am is not who I should be.
The Devil take my hand says, "Child come with me."
My body shivers and aches. I can't break free.
Why do the things I hate come so naturally?

Will I know it?
Will I know it?
Will I know it when I see it?
Will I know it?
Will I know it?
Will I know it when you're here?

I need you now, I need you more than ever before, before.
I need you now, I need you more than ever before, before.
I need you now, I need you more than ever before, before.
I need you now, I need you more than ever before.

When we see the light when we're going home.
We'll dance on our graves with our bodies below.
We'll sing glory and Hallelujah.

-Paper Route

I've had this song on repeat for over half an hour now. It's haunting me. Yeah, I've heard it plenty of times before, but I went running the other day and I listened to it for the first time. Finally words have been put to something I've needed to hear and to say for months now, and I'm paralyzed with awe. So listen to it, and think about it for awhile.

hey blog, i kinda forgot about you.

I don't really feel like writing because its late and i have to get up early tomorrow and i don't even know why i'm still awake. i'm not even feeling all that inspired right now. truth be told, i'm not actually getting up early. or maybe not at all. i need to be in college already... 8am just isnt working for me. unfortunately it's still junior year.

anyway, i'm definitely in a different place than i was when the last post was written. there are a lot of hopes i had for last semester that never happened, things i expected of myself that i didn't measure up to. for example, before last summer my faith was alive and a part of my daily life; now its something of an ideal--it sounds nice on paper but living it like i used to is another story.

a combination of a new church, new lunch table, and winter break, which i think i needed more than ever, are making this semester not so scary. but the biggest change i've endured, somewhat unknowingly i suppose, is that i'm finally feeling myself let go of the fear of being close to someone.i guess i've had too many letdowns in friendships or past relationships and they led me to some pretty serious trust issues.

there's this ideal in my head of having a significant other: its where you consider that person both your best friend and your soulmate. funny thing though, i can't truthfully see myself havingthat. its because theres so much of yourself you can potentially give to someone and never get back. i'm afraid of that, yet i want it more than anything, and not necessarily just with a significant other. if you have the kind of friends that you can go to truthfully with anything, you couldn't ask for anything better. i say that, of course, knowing what it's like to lack deeply close friends. (if i didn't, i wouldnt be talking about it right now, i'd be taking it for granted as if it were a natural right of mine).

but anyway, i've begun to let myself love what i do have (i'm beginning to sound really cliche, i apologize) and i'm letting myself get serious here. i've gotten pretty good at keeping myself from obtaining things i want, but i'm starting to overcome it. if you were to ask me 'how i've been doing lately,' the truthful answer is, i'm broke. my family doesn't have money saved for college. i have no idea where i want to go to college or what i want from it. i'm sleep deprived and i feel my usual second semester laziness coming on already. that's irrelevant though. there are aspects of my life and people in my life that i love, and i'm going to let myself love them while i can.

For those days we felt like a mistake,

Those times when love's what you hate

Somehow, we keep marching on.

happiness is just outside my window.

so close, yet so far away. it's that feeling of being in the desert, you think you see water ahead and as you near it, it dissapears and you're a fool for not realizing that all along it was an illusion. there are some things you think you want all your life. then you have them and you don't know what to do with them. you're parched, you down a liter of soda and you're left no less thirsty than before you took your first sip. there are some things you work so hard for and get back so little. there are some things you want so much to believe, to devote yourself to, but there's always something holding you back, and sometimes you're so unsure of yourself that you question whether it's rational to believe them at all.

and then there are some things you learn to enjoy while they're here, but you don't let yourself become too attached because you know they aren't around to stay. yeah, it's fear that holds you back, but it's a healthy kind because to let go of this fear is to put yourself at risk for feelings you don't want to know again. you don't depend on certain things because, chances are, when you need them they aren't there. if you let any one thing or any single person be your escape, your reassurance, your hope, it can only let you down because you've put it up so high. and you're denying yourself of the ability to figure yourself out. you have to do it yourself before you can let anybody else try. you don't plan your life around the availibility of what you think is going to make you happy. and you don't plan unforgettable moments. they just happen.

some things we don't talk about.

first off, (this is not really related to the rest of this post) don't underestimate The Fray, even if you aren't a fan of hearing them on the radio 27 times in one day. they were one of my favorite bands around 8th grade, and i knew every song off the album How to Save a Life. i was less than impressed with their new album at first, mainly because their latest hit song is not all that great and its way overplayed. and then last night i saw them live at riverport, and they are pretty incredible live. i realized that their newest album doesn't measure up to the first, but it definitely is not bad at all. so if you think all their songs sound the same, give them another listen because they don't. also, i thought they did a nice cover of Kanye's Heartless. you should probably go buy that now, because it rocks.

going to bed early is one thing i don't seem to have the ability to do. i often tell myself it's gonna happen but it never does.

but i'm in a weird place, and i can't really describe it. but if i had to sum it up in a word, it would be fear. or maybe confusion. i'm starting to question what i want and at the same time i'm wondering why i question things that i'm happy with, things i've worked hard for and prayed for. and i'm thinking about how far away i am from getting away from this. my future, or at least any real significance of it, is still an eternity away.

i don't know what i want yet. i know aspects of what i want, little bits and pieces, insignificant things, but i can't fit them all together in one big picture. there's too much i want to do before i settle for comfort. two weeks of doing my own thing made me realize how good it is for me. not just good, necessary. and how can i give my best to anyone if i don't know how i feel, what i want, or if i can be reliable at all? how can i commit to anything so early, when there's still so much i don't know and so much of my life in front of me?

when relationships don't work out, people always reassure you with, "you're too good for them." but what if they are too good for you? what if you're afraid of yourself, because you know you have the potential of hurting the ones you care about most? does that mean you should shut yourself off? if you have your own shit to deal with, why bring it on somebody who doesn't deserve it?

so you end up with all these secret fears that never make their way out of your head, because you're afraid to do anything about them. you're afraid of change and of messing up something good (actually, the only sense of stability you have in your life). you're happy and comfortable and you hate to imagine where you'd be if you let them surface.

and its worse when all this stuff in your head you can't put into words. like, even if your lips said what your head told them to, fear and insecurity would hold you back from even attempting. sometimes all you can do is ramble about it in a blog that most likely no one will read and hope that you can at least make sense of it yourself. so, what do you do when you've been through it all before, on the other side, and now you see yourself doing it to somebody else and you don't know how to stop yourself?

i am the only thing holding me back from what i've always wanted.

but please, don't give up on me just yet.

Some things we don't talk about

rather do without and just hold the smile

falling in and out of love

ashamed and proud of, together all the while

you can never say never

while we don't know when

but time and time again

younger now than we were before

don't let me go

don't let me go

don't let me go

picture you're the queen of everything

far as the eye can see under your command

i will be your guardian when all is crumbling

i'll steady your hand

you can never say never

while we don't know when

but time and time again

younger now than we were before

don't let me go

don't let me go

don't let me go

we're pulling apart and coming together again and agan

we're growing apart but we pull it together

pull it together again

don't let me go

don't let me go

don't let me go

don't let me go

-the fray

one month to epic

i'm so psyched to see this live. one month. if you don't have tickets yet, get them. and if you don't have respect for coldplay, you can leave now.
if you aren't patient enough to watch the whole thing, just watch the awesomeness that starts at about 4 minutes into the song.