happiness is just outside my window.

so close, yet so far away. it's that feeling of being in the desert, you think you see water ahead and as you near it, it dissapears and you're a fool for not realizing that all along it was an illusion. there are some things you think you want all your life. then you have them and you don't know what to do with them. you're parched, you down a liter of soda and you're left no less thirsty than before you took your first sip. there are some things you work so hard for and get back so little. there are some things you want so much to believe, to devote yourself to, but there's always something holding you back, and sometimes you're so unsure of yourself that you question whether it's rational to believe them at all.

and then there are some things you learn to enjoy while they're here, but you don't let yourself become too attached because you know they aren't around to stay. yeah, it's fear that holds you back, but it's a healthy kind because to let go of this fear is to put yourself at risk for feelings you don't want to know again. you don't depend on certain things because, chances are, when you need them they aren't there. if you let any one thing or any single person be your escape, your reassurance, your hope, it can only let you down because you've put it up so high. and you're denying yourself of the ability to figure yourself out. you have to do it yourself before you can let anybody else try. you don't plan your life around the availibility of what you think is going to make you happy. and you don't plan unforgettable moments. they just happen.