I don't really feel like writing because its late and i have to get up early tomorrow and i don't even know why i'm still awake. i'm not even feeling all that inspired right now. truth be told, i'm not actually getting up early. or maybe not at all. i need to be in college already... 8am just isnt working for me. unfortunately it's still junior year.
anyway, i'm definitely in a different place than i was when the last post was written. there are a lot of hopes i had for last semester that never happened, things i expected of myself that i didn't measure up to. for example, before last summer my faith was alive and a part of my daily life; now its something of an ideal--it sounds nice on paper but living it like i used to is another story.
a combination of a new church, new lunch table, and winter break, which i think i needed more than ever, are making this semester not so scary. but the biggest change i've endured, somewhat unknowingly i suppose, is that i'm finally feeling myself let go of the fear of being close to someone.i guess i've had too many letdowns in friendships or past relationships and they led me to some pretty serious trust issues.
there's this ideal in my head of having a significant other: its where you consider that person both your best friend and your soulmate. funny thing though, i can't truthfully see myself havingthat. its because theres so much of yourself you can potentially give to someone and never get back. i'm afraid of that, yet i want it more than anything, and not necessarily just with a significant other. if you have the kind of friends that you can go to truthfully with anything, you couldn't ask for anything better. i say that, of course, knowing what it's like to lack deeply close friends. (if i didn't, i wouldnt be talking about it right now, i'd be taking it for granted as if it were a natural right of mine).
but anyway, i've begun to let myself love what i do have (i'm beginning to sound really cliche, i apologize) and i'm letting myself get serious here. i've gotten pretty good at keeping myself from obtaining things i want, but i'm starting to overcome it. if you were to ask me 'how i've been doing lately,' the truthful answer is, i'm broke. my family doesn't have money saved for college. i have no idea where i want to go to college or what i want from it. i'm sleep deprived and i feel my usual second semester laziness coming on already. that's irrelevant though. there are aspects of my life and people in my life that i love, and i'm going to let myself love them while i can.
For those days we felt like a mistake,
Those times when love's what you hate
Somehow, we keep marching on.
