contradictions

I'm beginning to think maybe there's two of me, considering how I can never make up my mind on how I feel or what I should think.

Like half of me wants to be her own person, live by what she feels rather than what others say, never let anyone else tell her what to do. And the other half just wants everyone to be happy with her--friends, family, even people she barely knows.

One half craves fun, freedom, individuality, experimentation. nothing to weigh her down, hold her back, or make her think too much.
The other longs to satisfy deep philosophical questions, to experience unconditional love and share it with those around her, and to trust her Creator, the one whom she knows exists, but can't seem to face with her doubts and troubles.

I'm a free spirit and I'm a people-pleaser.
I'm lazy and I'm a hard worker.
I want God to be pleased with me and accept me, yet I long for the freedom to do what I want, without being held back by anybody telling me what I can and cannot do.
I want to love and be loved, yet I keep my distance so that no one can break me down.
I'm confident. Except for when I'm self-conscious.
I'm critical and I'm sensitive to the judgements others make of me.

The list of quirks in my personality that don't make sense could stretch for miles.

so what do I want? what do I believe? what's most important to me, right here, right now?
will I regret jumping outside what's comfortable and secure and starting over?
or will I be glad that I've made changes and that I'm moving on and becoming someone new?
will I still have the same goals next year, or will I start all over when I leave home?
five years in the future, will I be happy with the decisions I made today?


If I could confidently answer any of those questions, this post wouldn't exist. so please don't ask me, because you're sure to get a blank stare and a whole lot of stuttering.

one thing that's for sure:
It'll take me some time to figure out who I am.